There is a common misconception related to any kind of abdominal articulations (hula, bellydance, etc.). People think that you work your abdominals because you're using them to initiate movement. This is false. If you see someone trying to move their hips, for example dancing salsa, and it looks awkward and wrong, this is probably why. The lower body (hip/abdominal) movements always start with the legs. The core muscles are used to isolate the movement. That's worth repeating because it is the core concept (you like that little pun?). Your legs will initiate all lower body movements. You will use the muscles in your core to counter those movements. If you use your legs only, your whole body will move. Add the muscles of the torso to keep everything else still and only the hips will move.
Awesome Tip of the Day: You will find that the upper body movements pretty much match up with the lower body movements. If you find that you are either very uncoordinated in the hips, or just nervous about looking goofy, upper body movements may be a good place for you to start.
Don't be afraid to bend your knees and get low in your center of gravity. Take off your shoes and feel the floor if you have to. These should all be very solid, grounded, strong movements. Try not to get too high up on your toes or on straight legs. There should be no jerking or straining. Everything should be very fluid and controlled.
You will need:
1 mirror, that's it.
It is really important that you can see what you're doing. When you first start, it feels completely unnatural, so you will have to train the motions by the way it looks and as your body gets used to it, you will get a feel for when you're doing it correctly. I have been doing these kinds of movements for near twenty years and I still prefer to practice in front of a mirror. That's another thing worth mentioning. I have been doing this for a really long time. For me, most of it is pretty easy. If this is new to you, you must have patience. It will probably take you quite awhile to get it right. For some of you, it will take a long while. I will do my best to explain and demonstrate, but it's really a matter of you practicing a little each day. Do the movements every time you pass a certain mirror in your house or every time you've been sitting at the computer too long and the practice will add up without having to sit down for long sessions that can become frustrating.
I will be writing and later demonstrating related movements grouped together. These movements will be thoroughly explained, so I will have to do a series of posts, one group per post. Within each group, certain moves will be more basic and probably easier for you. Start with those and they will hopefully help you build up to the more difficult ones. Also, some movements may require more strength than you yet have. Work into these slowly so as to avoid injury. Learn one entire group, then another. It doesn't really matter which group you do first, so just choose one you think will be easiest for you and have at it.
Posture, posture, posture! Before you start. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. All movements start from one specific posture. That posture is called "good" posture. Check out the Good Posture Checklist on this page in blue. If you do not work from good posture, you are training yourself to have bad posture. If you already have poor posture, training from that position will not help you fix it. It will also have you engaging the wrong muscles and possibly hurting yourself.
As with any kind of exercise program, use good judgement. If something makes you sore, no big deal. If something causes you pain, check your technique. If that doesn't help, stop. Be mindful of any pre-existing injuries that you may have. Take your time. New movements may be using underdeveloped muscles or use muscles in new ways. Give your body a chance to adapt and develop.
NEXT IN THIS SERIES...
My Core Sequence, Part 1: Lower Body Circles
Showing posts with label sex tips. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex tips. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Core Strength and Me
I'll just say it outright, I have a pretty strong core. I tend to do pretty well on sit-up tests and planks and bridges and other core related things, especially for one who rarely practices these things. Somewhere down the line of being a teenager, I decided that these things were boring (which I still maintain), and I didn't plan to do them unless I was told to or if I had little else to do in the way of exercise. So why am I good at them, you ask? I grew up dancing. Not ballet. Not jazz. Not modern. I grew up with homegrown salsa dancing from the womb. My mom is awesome. By the age of eight I started bellydancing, thanks to the talented mother of my childhood friend. In retrospect, this was such a wonderful start to my life for so many reasons.
Awesome Tip of the Day: Not so much a problem for my female readers, but many of the men will get scared when they read "dance" or "hips". Bare with me. I also mention "striking" and "grappling" if it makes you feel better. No one ever has to see you do my core sequence if you don't want them to. I typically do it in front of the mirror before I get in the shower either in my room or in the bathroom. Few people have ever seen it. Just keep it discreet and only impress the people you want to impress, like your wife or girlfriend. You will thank me later when you discover new things you are capable of...
Over time, I developed a changeable sequence of core articulations to make it easy for me to practice. It's a nice way to get warm in the morning or get a little physical activity in before a shower. It keeps me strong in some really important places, which does wonders for my back and posture, while making me feel like I'm actually digesting my food. I have a balanced muscle tone in the torso, which creates a natural-looking waist line. I feel that doing a lot of (boring) exercises tends to give people a square look or just a funny, overdeveloped "six pack" area and a really weak back with big "love handles".
I realize that there are special workouts like pilates and certain yoga sequences that are meant to deal with this, but I think mine is better. The reason I think this is that, in addition to making the muscles strong and evenly developed, my sequence also encourages flexibility, full range of motion, and the kind of coordination that helps you on the dance floor and in the bedroom (be you a man or woman). Also, instead of holding poses or doing small articulations, you are really moving the torso in all different directions, which according to me just feels really good. Plus, this kind of functional core strength helped me a lot in martial arts, both striking and grappling. I'm not a big girl and my arms and legs are not super strong, but I can pull my own weight because of my core strength and flexibility. I may gain or lose fat, but the muscle and strength are always there. By the way, if you have a weak core, increasing strength in that area will likely cause you to gain weight (muscle weight) with little to no change in size, so don't be alarmed if you put on a couple pounds and don't know where they are.
So what is this, "Core Sequence"? Essentially, I took all the basic bellydance/latin hip and torso movements and strung them together in a way that incorporates various articulation points, ranges of motion, and types of motion including some movements that are not as practical for this type of dancing but very practical for training for this type of dancing. That said, you can do them to music if you want, but I tend to just pop out the sequence in sets. I like to do the whole thing together in sets of 30 reps per movement. If I haven't done them for awhile, I will do 20. If I am doing them frequently and have the time, I will do 40 of each. I would recommend 10 for anyone just starting. It is important to keep the same number all the way through so that the body stays balanced. No fair doing more of the ones that are easier or the ones that you think will tone one specific area the prettiest. That would be ridiculous. This takes me anywhere between 30-45 minutes, depending on how quickly I do it, so it's a pretty good core workout.
I will be posting videos to demonstrate the movements via my YouTube channel. These will accompany written explanations (see below) and be grouped by movement area and type. Eventually, I may put together some more dance related combinations to practice (once you adventurous types master the movements) so you can dance like Shakira and impress your friends.
Disclaimer: I am in the process of getting back into shape myself, which is very difficult during the good food season, so just ignore the little belly you will most likely see in my videos. I have recently dropped 25lbs of fat, so please don't think that that little belly means my methods don't work. They do. It's really just a matter of time before I have my old body back. And before you all ask, no, I wasn't pregnant. I put on weight largely due to stress and a couple of other factors that made me unresponsive to things like good food and exercise for quite awhile. I've sorted that out.
FOLLOW THIS SERIES!
My Core Sequence, Introduction to Isolating Movement
My Core Sequence, Part 1: Lower Body Circles
My Core Sequence, Part 2: Lower Body Linear Movements
Awesome Tip of the Day: Not so much a problem for my female readers, but many of the men will get scared when they read "dance" or "hips". Bare with me. I also mention "striking" and "grappling" if it makes you feel better. No one ever has to see you do my core sequence if you don't want them to. I typically do it in front of the mirror before I get in the shower either in my room or in the bathroom. Few people have ever seen it. Just keep it discreet and only impress the people you want to impress, like your wife or girlfriend. You will thank me later when you discover new things you are capable of...
Over time, I developed a changeable sequence of core articulations to make it easy for me to practice. It's a nice way to get warm in the morning or get a little physical activity in before a shower. It keeps me strong in some really important places, which does wonders for my back and posture, while making me feel like I'm actually digesting my food. I have a balanced muscle tone in the torso, which creates a natural-looking waist line. I feel that doing a lot of (boring) exercises tends to give people a square look or just a funny, overdeveloped "six pack" area and a really weak back with big "love handles".
I realize that there are special workouts like pilates and certain yoga sequences that are meant to deal with this, but I think mine is better. The reason I think this is that, in addition to making the muscles strong and evenly developed, my sequence also encourages flexibility, full range of motion, and the kind of coordination that helps you on the dance floor and in the bedroom (be you a man or woman). Also, instead of holding poses or doing small articulations, you are really moving the torso in all different directions, which according to me just feels really good. Plus, this kind of functional core strength helped me a lot in martial arts, both striking and grappling. I'm not a big girl and my arms and legs are not super strong, but I can pull my own weight because of my core strength and flexibility. I may gain or lose fat, but the muscle and strength are always there. By the way, if you have a weak core, increasing strength in that area will likely cause you to gain weight (muscle weight) with little to no change in size, so don't be alarmed if you put on a couple pounds and don't know where they are.
So what is this, "Core Sequence"? Essentially, I took all the basic bellydance/latin hip and torso movements and strung them together in a way that incorporates various articulation points, ranges of motion, and types of motion including some movements that are not as practical for this type of dancing but very practical for training for this type of dancing. That said, you can do them to music if you want, but I tend to just pop out the sequence in sets. I like to do the whole thing together in sets of 30 reps per movement. If I haven't done them for awhile, I will do 20. If I am doing them frequently and have the time, I will do 40 of each. I would recommend 10 for anyone just starting. It is important to keep the same number all the way through so that the body stays balanced. No fair doing more of the ones that are easier or the ones that you think will tone one specific area the prettiest. That would be ridiculous. This takes me anywhere between 30-45 minutes, depending on how quickly I do it, so it's a pretty good core workout.
I will be posting videos to demonstrate the movements via my YouTube channel. These will accompany written explanations (see below) and be grouped by movement area and type. Eventually, I may put together some more dance related combinations to practice (once you adventurous types master the movements) so you can dance like Shakira and impress your friends.
Disclaimer: I am in the process of getting back into shape myself, which is very difficult during the good food season, so just ignore the little belly you will most likely see in my videos. I have recently dropped 25lbs of fat, so please don't think that that little belly means my methods don't work. They do. It's really just a matter of time before I have my old body back. And before you all ask, no, I wasn't pregnant. I put on weight largely due to stress and a couple of other factors that made me unresponsive to things like good food and exercise for quite awhile. I've sorted that out.
FOLLOW THIS SERIES!
My Core Sequence, Introduction to Isolating Movement
My Core Sequence, Part 1: Lower Body Circles
My Core Sequence, Part 2: Lower Body Linear Movements
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The Blurry Line Between Yes and No, Negotiating Consent
The subject of what is and is not "right" to do with/to a person who has had some liquor came up this week in two conversations with two different friends about the same event. It shows me exactly how unclear the line between yes and no can be. Here's what happened:
This is a common scenario to varying degrees that I feel needs to be honestly explored. I can't say that inadvertently or purposefully taking advantage of someone who is drunk is unique to men. It is not. What I can say is that I find many of the men that I know personally are unclear on what is and is not taking advantage of a woman, especially one who has been drinking. In effort to shed light on the subject, I offer the following analysis:
It is a strange policy, in my opinion, to find a person's limits by pushing until that person actively resists. It is even stranger to try to circumvent that resistance once it is received. It is much easier and much less offensive and legally dangerous to find out through asking or by passive suggestion whether a person wants whatever it is you're offering. One of the interesting side effects of alcohol in many people is apathy. As in my friend's case, her attitude was much less, "Awesome, this guy is grabbing me," and much more, "Whatever, we're leaving now." I can see how someone who is not attentive or doesn't know my friend very well might not notice her passive disapproval. However, I cannot imagine perceiving her overall stumbling drunken apathy as her "liking it", especially after she still managed to evade the attempted smooching while in such a state. Regardless, the majority of onlookers assumed that that was the case.
All that said, I cannot speak to the date rapists out there who really are selfish enough to intentionally hurt another person in order to get what they want. I am not an expert on the subject, but I don't see how trying to reason with such a person would make any sense. For the rest of you, please consider that the opposite of no should be an enthusiastic yes, not a drunken apathy. It appears to be common practice to assume that a lack of firm disagreement is encouragement. It also appears that many are under the impression that agreeing to one thing counts for automatic agreement to other things. This seems to be the basis of the "that person was asking for it" mentality. Really, they did not ask for it unless they really *asked* for it. Furthermore, just because one has consented to something once, it does not mean that they have consented to other instances.
To illustrate my point, I would like all of my readers to imagine meeting a new person in the neighborhood. Perhaps you've had a good conversation and they appear to be a nice person. You may feel inclined to introduce that person to other neighbors and maybe even invite that person to a barbecue at your house. All of this is invited. So how would you feel if they suddenly entered your house or began eating your food all on their own? Is it safe to say that you've "asked for it" simply because you've been friendly and invited this person to your house to share your food in the past? Of course not! It is your home and you decide when someone shares it and when they do not. Even though all of your behavior has led that person to believe that they are welcome in your home, they are expected to know that they cannot just enter as they please. So why is it different in reference to sex? It isn't.
My point is, for those of you who are good at heart and do not mean anyone any harm, please remember that people's affections, especially those that are sexual in nature, must be constantly evaluated. Trying to enter into sexual relations with another person is treading delicate ground. Think of it like driving. Simply assuming the light is green can have horrible consequences. Even in the absence of a red light one can still move forward at the wrong time. In social/sexual situations in which people are consuming alcohol or other drugs, it is much like a defect in the red light signal, like the power being out. Tread carefully. Make sure the agreement you get is actually agreement, not just passive acceptance or tolerance.
As it turns out, I am not the only one to feel this way about it. For further explanation, check out The Opposite of Rape is Not Consent, the Opposite of Rape is Enthusiasm. While you're at it, read Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced. Both articles offer a good deal of perspective, which is good to have if you're having a hard time getting your mind around a situation.
One of mine friend had an extra drink in celebration at a night club. We later encountered some other friends of mine. The first friend accepted one of that group to dance with her and was having a good time. They accompanied us out of the club when the night was over and we walked with them to the car of the person who was to pick them up. The two friends that had been dancing together were walking together enjoying eachother's company and keeping from getting cold. As the group was loading into the car, the guy that was dancing with my original friend took a moment to put his hands in places they didn't belong and attempted to steal a kiss before he left. No luck, but still in my mind he had really crossed the line. I can safely say this because I know what my first friend's boundaries are. I can understand the attempt to kiss her. It was the general forcefulness (pushing her up against a wall) and touching her in uninvited ways that I felt was inappropriate.
The next day, one of my friends from that group asked me about the situation and I responded that [the guy] seemed cool until the end there when he really crossed the line. This confused the guy that I was talking to, who thought she seemed like she liked it. I disagreed, but to be sure, I asked my friend about it and she didn't remember too much of that last part, but remembered thwarting the kiss and mentioned being disappointed by the overall grabbing at the end of the night.
This is a common scenario to varying degrees that I feel needs to be honestly explored. I can't say that inadvertently or purposefully taking advantage of someone who is drunk is unique to men. It is not. What I can say is that I find many of the men that I know personally are unclear on what is and is not taking advantage of a woman, especially one who has been drinking. In effort to shed light on the subject, I offer the following analysis:
It is a strange policy, in my opinion, to find a person's limits by pushing until that person actively resists. It is even stranger to try to circumvent that resistance once it is received. It is much easier and much less offensive and legally dangerous to find out through asking or by passive suggestion whether a person wants whatever it is you're offering. One of the interesting side effects of alcohol in many people is apathy. As in my friend's case, her attitude was much less, "Awesome, this guy is grabbing me," and much more, "Whatever, we're leaving now." I can see how someone who is not attentive or doesn't know my friend very well might not notice her passive disapproval. However, I cannot imagine perceiving her overall stumbling drunken apathy as her "liking it", especially after she still managed to evade the attempted smooching while in such a state. Regardless, the majority of onlookers assumed that that was the case.
All that said, I cannot speak to the date rapists out there who really are selfish enough to intentionally hurt another person in order to get what they want. I am not an expert on the subject, but I don't see how trying to reason with such a person would make any sense. For the rest of you, please consider that the opposite of no should be an enthusiastic yes, not a drunken apathy. It appears to be common practice to assume that a lack of firm disagreement is encouragement. It also appears that many are under the impression that agreeing to one thing counts for automatic agreement to other things. This seems to be the basis of the "that person was asking for it" mentality. Really, they did not ask for it unless they really *asked* for it. Furthermore, just because one has consented to something once, it does not mean that they have consented to other instances.
To illustrate my point, I would like all of my readers to imagine meeting a new person in the neighborhood. Perhaps you've had a good conversation and they appear to be a nice person. You may feel inclined to introduce that person to other neighbors and maybe even invite that person to a barbecue at your house. All of this is invited. So how would you feel if they suddenly entered your house or began eating your food all on their own? Is it safe to say that you've "asked for it" simply because you've been friendly and invited this person to your house to share your food in the past? Of course not! It is your home and you decide when someone shares it and when they do not. Even though all of your behavior has led that person to believe that they are welcome in your home, they are expected to know that they cannot just enter as they please. So why is it different in reference to sex? It isn't.
My point is, for those of you who are good at heart and do not mean anyone any harm, please remember that people's affections, especially those that are sexual in nature, must be constantly evaluated. Trying to enter into sexual relations with another person is treading delicate ground. Think of it like driving. Simply assuming the light is green can have horrible consequences. Even in the absence of a red light one can still move forward at the wrong time. In social/sexual situations in which people are consuming alcohol or other drugs, it is much like a defect in the red light signal, like the power being out. Tread carefully. Make sure the agreement you get is actually agreement, not just passive acceptance or tolerance.
As it turns out, I am not the only one to feel this way about it. For further explanation, check out The Opposite of Rape is Not Consent, the Opposite of Rape is Enthusiasm. While you're at it, read Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced. Both articles offer a good deal of perspective, which is good to have if you're having a hard time getting your mind around a situation.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Tips on Kissing Well
Kissing well (and doing any intimate thing well) is really only about knowing how to touch another person. It is important to be attentive to how the other person wants to be touched. The biggest kissing mistake that most people make is forgetting that kissing starts with the lips. I don't care if you are a doctor, this is not the time to check the other person's tonsils with your tongue. Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for aggressive kissing, but it is probably not your first kiss.
When dealing with a person's personal, physical boundaries, it is always better to knock before trying to barge through a door. Really, any time you're touching another person in any kind of intimate way, it is a kind of seduction. You are enticing them with touch, and the promise of more touch. It had better be appealing. If the type of touch is too aggressive, clumsy, or just unwanted, the person will naturally retract whatever it is you're touching. If the touch is too passive, it will likely be ignored or cause disinterest.
Okay, so you knocked and they let you in. Focus. Often, people get a little too excited, especially if it's their first time kissing this person. Stop thinking about what's going to happen next. Focus on what you're doing, right now. Assuming you have senses, use them. Focus on what their lips feel like against your lips. Explore. If they seem interested in deeper kissing, do not thrust your tongue into their mouth. They will likely regret letting you in. Simply continue your respectful, yet passionate exploration of how it feels to be kissing that person. Notice how they respond to your touch. If they shy away from something, calm down. You want them to want you to touch them. Feel for them feeling for you.
Here's an exercise: Fondling another person's hands (consensually, thank you) is remarkably similar to to the use of tongues and lips. Try caressing your lover's hand, slowly and sensually. As you move across their skin, they should almost reach for you as you move away. In a different context, it's really not too different from the way a cat reacts to petting. This is an unconscious reaction for the most part, and it tells you that they are enjoying what you're doing, and want more. Remember how that touch feels when you are doing it. Chances are, that way of touching is exactly what this person likes. Kiss them the same way.
Once you master the art of touching, you will likely get big compliments on your kissing, and hopefully become a better, more attentive lover for it. The same principles apply across the board.
Things going well? Problem getting that bra off? I'm not joking, look no further...
When dealing with a person's personal, physical boundaries, it is always better to knock before trying to barge through a door. Really, any time you're touching another person in any kind of intimate way, it is a kind of seduction. You are enticing them with touch, and the promise of more touch. It had better be appealing. If the type of touch is too aggressive, clumsy, or just unwanted, the person will naturally retract whatever it is you're touching. If the touch is too passive, it will likely be ignored or cause disinterest.
Okay, so you knocked and they let you in. Focus. Often, people get a little too excited, especially if it's their first time kissing this person. Stop thinking about what's going to happen next. Focus on what you're doing, right now. Assuming you have senses, use them. Focus on what their lips feel like against your lips. Explore. If they seem interested in deeper kissing, do not thrust your tongue into their mouth. They will likely regret letting you in. Simply continue your respectful, yet passionate exploration of how it feels to be kissing that person. Notice how they respond to your touch. If they shy away from something, calm down. You want them to want you to touch them. Feel for them feeling for you.
Here's an exercise: Fondling another person's hands (consensually, thank you) is remarkably similar to to the use of tongues and lips. Try caressing your lover's hand, slowly and sensually. As you move across their skin, they should almost reach for you as you move away. In a different context, it's really not too different from the way a cat reacts to petting. This is an unconscious reaction for the most part, and it tells you that they are enjoying what you're doing, and want more. Remember how that touch feels when you are doing it. Chances are, that way of touching is exactly what this person likes. Kiss them the same way.
Once you master the art of touching, you will likely get big compliments on your kissing, and hopefully become a better, more attentive lover for it. The same principles apply across the board.
Things going well? Problem getting that bra off? I'm not joking, look no further...
How to Unhook a Bra Quickly with One Hand
This tip really is awesome. So how do you undo the bra? I'm serious. The kissing worked. She wants to move forward. Ah, but you can't seem to figure out the dreaded bra with anything that resembles grace. Why?! If it's your own bra, see the bottom of this post.
Here's the trick to bras:
The average bra is held together buy two to three tiny hooks in the back. Usually, it is the right side that has the actual hooks and the left side that has little metal loops. These are quite easily removed by one hand using one of two methods. The main idea is that you want to pinch both sides together and slide the hook side across the loops/away from the bra.
Assuming you're facing the girl, reaching behind her with your right hand, find the middle of the bra. Pinch the loop side with your thumb and the hook side with your middle or index finger together and slide the hook side toward the palm of your hand. It should just pop off. You can also slide your middle finger under the spot where it hooks in and use your index finger and thumb to pinch it together if it's easier or if you're worried about pinching her skin. If you're using your left hand, do the same process with your thumb on the hook side and slide that toward the palm of your hand. No more interruptive fumbling about.
If it's your bra, well, I usually use my right hand. Reach up your back with the back of your hand touching your back until you find the middle of your bra band. Slide your index finger under the spot where it hooks together. Pinch both sides together, using your middle finger and thumb. Slide your thumb across your middle finger. It should pop right off.
Here's the trick to bras:
The average bra is held together buy two to three tiny hooks in the back. Usually, it is the right side that has the actual hooks and the left side that has little metal loops. These are quite easily removed by one hand using one of two methods. The main idea is that you want to pinch both sides together and slide the hook side across the loops/away from the bra.
Assuming you're facing the girl, reaching behind her with your right hand, find the middle of the bra. Pinch the loop side with your thumb and the hook side with your middle or index finger together and slide the hook side toward the palm of your hand. It should just pop off. You can also slide your middle finger under the spot where it hooks in and use your index finger and thumb to pinch it together if it's easier or if you're worried about pinching her skin. If you're using your left hand, do the same process with your thumb on the hook side and slide that toward the palm of your hand. No more interruptive fumbling about.
If it's your bra, well, I usually use my right hand. Reach up your back with the back of your hand touching your back until you find the middle of your bra band. Slide your index finger under the spot where it hooks together. Pinch both sides together, using your middle finger and thumb. Slide your thumb across your middle finger. It should pop right off.
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