Dealing with Jealousy and Possessiveness and Insecurity in Relationships

Jealousy is a very complicated emotion.  Sometimes it is a direct result of a legitimate perception of things that are happening.  For example, I have felt true jealousy a very few times in my life.  Each time, it turned out that I really was being cheated on.  The rest of the time, the perception is likely not real or doesn't have to be.

I understand that the acceptance of jealousy and degrees of jealousy can be culture specific, but I do feel that being jealous is unnecessarily stressful.  As mentioned above, I believe that jealousy can be used as an instinct to tell you when something is being taken away from you.  However, if you're jealous all the time, you will be able to get no clear readings from your own emotions.  If you are habitually jealous with your boyfriend or girlfriend, and you would like to stop being jealous, today is the day.

Jealousy in a relationship usually stems from two basic ideas.  The first is that you think other people will be attracted to your partner.  The second is that you think your partner might go for someone else.  Then you worry about it.  You get yourself upset about it.  You start treating your partner as if they're already cheating on you.  The whole thing is a big mess.  So to start with, you need to accept two important facts.

1. Your partner is attractive.  If you find your partner attractive, chances are other people will, too.  That means that if your partner is walking around in public, with or without you, other people will look at them and be attracted to them.  Accept it.  Live with it.

2. You are not the most attractive person in the world.  Even if you're really attractive, someone else will always come along that is more attractive.  There will always be someone who is smarter, funnier, richer, more romantic, more athletic, better dressed, has a cuter smile, is more charming, and yes, better in the bedroom.  Accept it.  Live with it.

This is difficult for some people to deal with, because they are insecure about not being perfect enough to keep their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife while that person is walking around looking good and attracting other people.  They become possessive with their partner because they don't want there to be any opportunities for someone to come along and take that person away.  The reality is that those opportunities always exist.  If your partner is unfaithful, the only thing you can do about it is break up and accept that that person was not faithful.  Better luck next time.

Awesome Tip of the Day:  Having been cheated on does not justify treating the next person as if they are a cheater, nor will it stop them from cheating if that's what they want to do.  You cannot be around someone all day, every day so that there will be no opportunities for them to misbehave.  Who would want to have to babysit their partner anyway?  But showing up at their job, calling all the time, interrogating them after a few hours out with their friends, trying to cut them off from friends and family, listening to their phone calls, and other behavior that indicates suspicion is likely to backfire.  That person is likely to leave you for someone who does not treat them like a bad person.

So then how do you keep someone?  You keep someone by treating them the way they like to be treated, which will vary from person to person.  If they're happy, they'll stay with you.  Sometimes the relationship will work out and sometimes it won't.  If it doesn't, you find someone else.  Most people realize, after a little dating experience and maturity, that they don't have to be with the perfect person.  Happy is happy.  If you can make someone happy, they are likely to forego other opportunities of potential happiness for the happiness they already trust in you.  Think of it this way, if you have an appliance that gets the job done, and you walk by the store and see another one that may be better or may not work for poop, why throw away the one you have on a gamble?  You're happy with what you have, right?  If you lose that one somehow, then you can shop for another one.  When you think of it this way, most likely your partner will not trade you in for someone else because they already know you and they're already happy with you.  It is a gamble for them to wager you for someone else that might be better because they have no experience with that person.  Some people are great until you get to know them better.  Some people are great as friends but definitely not in a relationship.  Your partner knows this.  They're with you because they want to be.  If they really want to leave, they will.  You can't stop them anyway so you might as well not worry about it and focus on both of your happiness.

All that said, jealous behavior patterns can be hard to break.  The important thing to remember that jealousy is all about you, so you are in control.  Your partner doesn't make you jealous.  Other people don't make you jealous.  You do.  Once you start letting things go, you come to realize that everything is still fine, even if you're not constantly controlling everything to make sure that it's fine.  Each success helps reinforce that all the worry is unnecessary and you will come to worry less and less.

Does your partner have a friend that ruffles your feathers?  Let it go.  There is a reason why your partner is not with that person, which may or may not be any of your business.  And who's to say that person is better than you?  There is a reason why your partner is with you.  What if your partner loves you?  Just think, in a sea of people, many of whom wanted to be with your partner, they chose you.  They see beautiful people on the street ever day and don't pursue them.  They don't love them.  They wouldn't trade what they have for them.  They love and trust you.  They know that if someone shows interest in you, you will turn that person down.  They do the same.   I'm sure they've said, "Sorry, I'm taken," to more than one person without ever bothering to tell you about it.

Awesome Tip Number Two:  Don't torture yourself by comparing yourself to other people.  Jealous and insecure people tend to both dread being compared and constantly compare themselves to other people, fearing that everyone else is doing the same.  Also, differences tend to be given a value of "better" or "worse" when it doesn't apply or doesn't matter.  "What does that guy have that I don't have?" is a dangerous question.  That other guy inevitably has something that you don't have or that he has more of.  Don't waste your time getting upset about it when it doesn't really matter.  You know what you have that he doesn't?  Your girlfriend.

Your partner's phone just rang.  Don't answer it.  Don't look at the caller ID.  Leave the room if you have to.  If the call is particularly interesting or important, they will probably tell you about it later.  Later could mean now or next week.  If it's not a notable conversation, they won't bother you with it.  Don't ask.  Just let it go.

Does your partner look hot when he or she goes out with friends?  Guess what?  They're supposed to dress up.  That's part of the fun of going out.  People like to look good whether they're single or taken, young or old.  There is no reason to try to deny them that pleasure.  It has nothing to do with trying to attract other people.  You feel good when you look good.  They feel good when they look good.  On top of that, other people probably find them attractive when they don't dress up.  You do.  Tell them how good they look.  Feel good that that sexy person is yours!  They'll be home before long.  Go do your own thing until then.  Let everything else go.

These are just a few examples of healthy ways to look at certain situations.  Every time you start to feel upset, worried, or angry because you're jealous, try and put yourself in your partner's shoes.  Would you want someone to treat you like they don't trust you?  Before you tell yourself that you really do trust them, just not everyone else in the world, stop.  Your partner is smart enough to look after themselves.  If they're not, you need to find someone else who is.  Treating your partner as if they are too stupid to make good decisions without you will likely drive them away from you.

On that note, nobody likes a ball and chain.  Making your partner feel limited is a good way to lose them.  Making them feel free and happy is a good way to make them want to come home to you every time.  You may find that by being less jealous, controlling, and possessive, your partner feels less and less like they want to get away from you, which will make your relationship more secure.  If you do decide to take control of your jealousy, it is a good idea to get support from your partner and your friends.  Tell your partner to be patient with your during this time, and maybe to be considerate about things that might make you jealous.  For example, "I'm trying to stop worrying about when you go out with your friends.  It would really help me if you could call me when you get there and tell me more or less when you're coming home so that I don't sit here wondering and letting my mind get out of control."  They will probably appreciate this.  Your friends can help you by intervening when you exhibit jealous behavior or say things to suggest that your partner is doing something they should not be.  For example, your partner is late and hasn't called.  You start complaining about it.  Your friends can stop that whole train of thought by offering reasonable explanations for why a person would forget to call, or might be having too much fun to realize what time it is, or reminding you that you didn't call last time you went out.

My final thought on the subject is that jealousy is often a learned behavior.  I know that cultures that watch a lot of soap operas tend to be more jealous.  Also, people who do shady things or hang out with sketchy people are often more suspicious of everyone.  If you are doing things you shouldn't, now is a good time to stop.  (Hint: Two of the guys that had cheated on me had been accusing me of cheating.  I wasn't, but that was my first clue that they were.)  If you do hang around with untrustworthy people, now is a good time to start deleting phone numbers.  This may sound harsh, but there are a couple of reasons.  The first is that untrustworthy means that you should not trust them.  If they'll swindle someone else, they may eventually do it to you if they haven't already.  The second is that you are probably not the only one who can see that they lie/cheat/steal.  That is a big red flag to anyone that you're dating.  It's possible that your significant other will be okay with it.  The downside of that is that, most likely, if they are okay with it it's because they are either unobservant or they are more like your friends than you realize.  In which case, that feeling of jealousy is not an irrational emotion, it's an observation.  Get rid of all of them.

Good luck!