Safety and Awareness Go Hand in Hand

There is no such thing as complete and total safety.  As living beings, it is up to us to assess risk for ourselves on a constant basis.  Most of this is unconscious and purely habitual.  We learn these behaviors from our parents and our societies.  For example, any time you start you car, you are approaching a potentially fatal situation.  You accept the risk and take precautionary measures such as checking your mirrors, buckling your seat belt, checking your brakes, using your signals, and driving defensively.  Basically, someone is likely to dies in a car crash eventually soon.  You don't want it to be you.  It may still be you, but there are certain things you can do to minimize your risk.

All of that said, I've noticed that people are often extremely careless about their personal safety in relation to other people.  At the risk of quoting myself, I would like to submit this little exerpt from the Break the Cycle of Dating Users article:

I think it's important to know what a predator looks for. People like to do what requires the least effort and gives the most benefit, period. Predatory people are no different. This article was put together from the idea that all predators have a list of desired traits. To avoid predators, the best thing to do is to not possess those traits. Here's a story to help illustrate my point:

Two guys are hiking in the forest until they come across a ferocious bear. One guy starts running. The other guy follows, yelling, "What are your doing? You'll never outrun the bear!" The second guy yells over his shoulder, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you..."

So true. Although nothing will guarantee your safety, it's best to make sure that you are not the prime target in a roomful of people. Predators are not typically looking for a challenge. They usually are looking for the zebra with the broken leg, if you know what I mean. That said, if you show some assertiveness, show that you know what you want and deserve to get it, and show that have your eyes open for red flags, most predators will simply move on to the next target. If they see that you fit the profile of what they're looking for, they will start to focus their resources on luring you in and trapping you. Don't be that person.

Perhaps living in a college town has shown me an unusually high concentration of sheltered, naive, intoxicated, careless people who lack a healthy sense of vulnerability.  Regardless, I feel this topic needs to be addressed.

First and foremost, ask yourself if you ever feel vulnerable.  Do you?  The answer should be yes.  There are certain situations that can make you notice your vulnerability, but you should be able to make yourself aware of it on your own.  For example, if I am walking in the parking lot at night and there are only two cars there right next to eachother, who owns that other car?  I know one is mine.  I look around and don't see anybody.  Does that mean the car is empty?  No.  That just means that nobody who can help me is watching.  If the windows are tinted, I should be paying a little more attention.  That's not because bad people tint their windows, it's because I can't see inside them at night and have no idea who or how many people are in their.  Am I paranoid.  This may surprise you, but no.  I'm just a little suspicious.  I like to ask questions.  I like to pay attention.  I've avoided a lot of pain and suffering in my life by keeping my eyes open and looking around.  I'm not paranoid for putting my seatbelt on before I drive.

I'm going to pull a few examples from my own life in hopes of opening the minds of some of my readers.  Hopefully, you all will be able to see the patterns and maybe pick out some examples in your own lives in which you could change the way you do something to cover your bases a little better.

Walking to My Car

If it is day time, I look around as I walk to my car to make sure that no other cars are coming to run me over.  A lot of people don't pay attention to pedestrians while they're looking for a parking place so I don't just assume they will stop if I'm crossing the street.  Next, I make sure my keys are in my hand.  I hate the idea of fumbling for my keys in front of my car.  I generally keep my keys clipped to my pants because I find it useful.  If you wear a purse, you should fish those keys out before you leave the building.  Keys are also a great thing for slashing at the eyes of an attacker.  I've never had to do this, but if the time one day came, I would be glad I had my keys in my hand.

I'm a huge fan of keyless entry.  I like having my car door ready to open when I walk up.  This is useful if I'm carrying groceries.  It also cuts down on the amount of time I'm just standing there in front of my car.  The best thing about keyless entry is that when I push that little button, it turns on the light inside my car.  If it's dark, this makes me really happy.  Just think, I can see the inside of my car before I get too close to it.  If there were someone inside or even next to it, it would be a lot easier to see them before I got too close to do anything about it.  There has never been anyone inside my car when I got there (thankfully), but who knows?  I've been rear-ended on the freeway and I'm really glad I had my seatbelt on that day.

As I approach my car, I look around.  I look at the face of anyone near my car and smile at them if they look back.  If there is anyone, I give them a quick sizing up.  I just like to see if they look like they're noticing me, as someone looking for trouble would be.  I open my car door, look around once more, enter immediately, check my mirrors and over my shoulder, and start driving.  If someone is standing really close to my car, I give them the courtesy of letting them get into their car before I get into mine.  I'm just being polite.  I'm also clearing out anyone with whom I would share a tight situation between cars.  If it is dark or I am in an unfamiliar neighborhood, I lock my door as soon as I enter.  It's safe to say that I don't feel scared when I walk to my car.  I just like to look around and pay attention.

Going Clubbing

When I go out with friends on a Saturday night, I like to follow certain guidelines to make sure everyone is safe and accounted for.  First and foremost, my friends and I always know who's driving.  Second, whoever shows up in a car gets a ride home in that same car.  Everyone has their phone in case we lose someone.  If one person for some reason wanted to seek alternative transportation to go home early, they are required to alert someone in the group or they will not be coming out with us again.  Period.  It's terrible to be looking around for someone at 2am who isn't there.  We don't go out with people who need to be babysat.  If someone has a habit of getting too drunk or out of control, or too stupid when they drink (doing dangerous things) they will not be given a second invitation either.  It's selfish and brings down the whole group.

Once we're out, we keep an eye out for creepers and problem starters.  If we are a group of only females, chances are that we will attract the date rape types more than any other type.  As soon as they bother us, we get rid of them in no uncertain terms.  We're not afraid to be rude because they are clearly not just "nice guys".  Nice guys take no for an answer.  Being very clear and firm is a good way of telling a predatory person that you're not their type.  More than likely, they will move on and look for someone that is an easier target.  You're never 100% safe from these people.  However, you can last a pretty long time by simply not being at the top of the list.  You're best off being at the lower 50% of the list.  Remember, you just have to outrun the stupid ones.  Just by paying attention, you are already typically below the top 20-30%, sadly enough.  If you're really drunk or stumbling, you start moving back up the list.  If you are alone, you move up the list.  Remember to look over your shoulder a few times as you're leaving the establishment to make sure that no one is following you to wherever you're going.  People have really stupid ideas when they're desperate/intoxicated.

If you are a guy, your risks are very different.  You are much more likely to have problems with other guys who just want to start a fight.  There are certain things you should keep in mind to avoid this.  First, try not to step on anyone's toes.  Both figuratively and literally, this is all the trigger needed for someone who is intoxicated and looking for trouble.  If you do, apologize immediately.  If you have girls in your group, notice if they're being bothered by a guy who looks like trouble.  If she turns him down and then he sees her with you later, he may get territorial and/or jealous and try to start problems with you.  There isn't much you can do to prevent this, but it's best to see it coming.

As was explained to me by a bouncer friend, there is a magical time of the night when most of the guys at the club realize they are going home by themselves.  They each react to this in different ways.  Some guys just have one last beer and catch a ride.  Some guys get upset.  Some guys try desperately to molest any and all females walking out the door.  And some guys get really bitter about any other guy that looks like he's going home with someone, especially if that someone was someone he was interested in.  That time of night is really when all the trouble starts.  It's right around close when people are pretty well liquored up and making their last, desperate attempts to get whatever they wanted out of the night.  That's when the bouncers go on alert.  You should too.  If you're out with only other guys, it's a good idea to be friendly with whoever you meet.  This cuts down on the amount you threaten other groups of guys who are more likely to see your "team" and their "team" as an us against them situation.  After a few drinks, it is difficult to get a group of guys to back down.  Your best bet is to just get out of there as soon as possible of problems do arise.

Remember that there are bouncers at every bar and night club.  It's a good idea to make friends with the ones who work the places you frequent.  They are often really nice people, and they are there to look out for you.  They have no problem putting someone outside if they are causing problems.  They have plenty of experience with drunk and difficult people and they know exactly how to deal with them.

Inside Your Home

Just because you're home, it doesn't mean the world stops.  Home is a great place to relax and kick your shoes off, but make sure you keep it that way.  I always lock my door when I'm inside.  I have a very large dog that lives in the house.  She is a big puppy at heart, but she has an extremely intimidating bark and a set of teeth that isn't to be trifled with either.  As soon as it gets dark, I close all the blinds.  It drives me crazy when it's dark outside and the lights are on inside and the blinds are open.  Why?  Try this.  Turn the lights on inside the house once it's dark and open the blinds.  Have a friend stand outside the window.  How close do they have to be before you can see them?  On the flipside, anyone can see you and your every move from pretty far away.  This is a great way to get attention from stalkers.

Running Outdoors

Speaking of stalkers, it's a good idea to mix up your running schedule.  If you consistently run the same path at the same time, every day, you are more than likely to get noticed by someone eventually.  This will likely be a normal person that has a similar schedule.  It may also be someone who is not so normal that you would prefer not notice you.  Break up your schedule a little bit.  While you're at it, run with a buddy.  The more people in your group, the more you move down that list I mentioned.  Just make sure you know the people in your group or you may find yourself moving up one of their lists.  For those of you who listen to the ipod while you run, try listening in only one ear if you're running through a less populated area.  There have been cases of people being attacked near where I live because they had both headphones in and couldn't hear their attacker approaching.  That moved them up the list.

Blind Dating

Online dating counts as blind dating because you really only know what you've been told.  Any time you are going to meet up with someone new, let someone intelligent know where you're going, who you're meeting up with, and when.  Send them a text to let them know that things are going well a little while into it.  This goes for men as well.  There are some crazy people out there.  Most likely nothing will ever happen to you.  On the other hand, it doesn't hurt to let someone know what you're up to.  You don't have to tell them in a paranoid sounding way.  Just say that you're going to meet up with a new date and you'll drop them a text if you need rescuing.  Any good wing man (that includes females) will have your back.  Do not get in this person's car until you know them.  Do not let them into yours.  Do not go to their house or have them at yours.  Save it for after you've had time to reflect on what you've learned about them.  If you must, take note of your surroundings, like what's in the car, how it smells, etc.  All these things will give you subtle clues about who you're hanging out with.  Some people do this naturally and without noticing it.  Others have to learn.

Awesome Tip of the Day:  While we're on that subject, consider the possibility that the things this person tells you may not be true.  A predatory person will say and do things to get your trust.  These things are often things that will gain sympathy, like telling you that they are too trusting.  They may also manipulate you into giving up your skepticism if they notice it.  Many predators call out their victims on their distrust.  Once the victim's distrust is exposed, they often feel embarrassed into ignoring their instincts.  Don't let this happen to you.  This works on men, too, in case you are one.


Just remember that all situations have little precautions available to the aware and creative that are little or no extra effort but that go a long way in preserving your safety, even though that safety is subjective.

A Clean Bathroom in 15 Minutes or Less

To be fair, this excludes the shower.  The shower doesn't always need to be cleaned.  As for the rest of it, each one of the little tasks below should take no more than a minute or two each and there aren't that many of them.

You will need...

1 toilet brush and toilet bowl cleaner
Glass cleaner
A few paper towels or a bathroom sponge (only used in the bathroom)
Disinfectant wipes
Baking soda or Barkeeper's Friend
Swiffer or vacuum
Trash bags
Gloves (I like disposable, non-sterile med exam gloves that are cheap at Costco)

Put on your gloves.  Pour toilet bowl cleaner over the toilet bowl so it has a chance to start.  Dampen a paper towel or sponge and pour a little baking soda or Barkeeper's Friend on it.  Use it to polish the sink and sink area.  Rinse.  Spray a little glass cleaner on a new paper towel and polish the mirror.  This should take 30 seconds to a minute. Pull out a disinfectant wipe and wipe down the light switches, the door handles, and the counter.  Throw it away.

Grab another one and use it to wipe down the toilet handle, the top of the toilet, the toilet lid (both sides) and outside of toilet.  You will probably need one more for the seat (both sides) and rim of toilet.  Toss it.  If there are men in the house, it pays to give extra attention to the whole perimeter of the toilet and the floor around it.  I'm not kidding, check the wall.  If there is stray urine anywhere, the smell really comes out with the steam from the shower and makes it smell like a public restroom...or worse, a bachelor pad!  Use your toilet bowl brush to scrub the toilet bowl.  Flush placing the brush in the stream of clean water.  Swish the brush and give the whole thing one last quick scrub.  Flush again.  Tap the brush handle on the edge of the toilet to shake excess water into the bowl (do this gently unless you want to wear it).  Replace the brush in it's holder.  Remove your gloves inside out and throw them away.

Shake out or replace your rugs and towels.  Vacuum or Swiffer the floor.  (If your floor is actually dirty, wipe it down with one of the disinfectant wipes.  You can do this quickly on your hands and knees or you can attach it to your Swiffer.  Remove the trash bag.  Done.

Awesome Tip of the Day:  When you replace your trash bag, layer two or three.  This is a good idea for the kitchen as well.  If you have a hole in the bag or something especially messy, this avoids spills.  Otherwise, it just means you don't have to put in a new bag as often.

Extras

About once a month it's a good idea to run a cloth over the baseboards if you have them.

About the shower...  I personally hate cleaning the shower.  If it's just me, it can be done once a month or less.  If there are other people around, it seems to need to be done all the time.  I avoid needing to clean the shower by not getting it dirty.  This may seem obvious, but it requires a little attention to detail.  I'm in the habit of closing all my bottles after using them and rinsing them for a split second before I replace them.  This avoids the leaky shampoo thing.  Having something that drains (like a shower caddy) to hold all of your bottles/soaps will avoid leaving moldy rings on the edge of your tub.  I try to place as much of my loose hair as possible on the wall in the shower.  When I step out, I just swirl it and throw it in the trash.  I have long hair but my drain very rarely gets clogged and I have no screen.  If I get dirt (now mud) on the shower floor from walking barefoot, I rub it out immediately with my feet.  This gets it out of the texture of my tub before it gets a chance to settle and require scrubbing.  I hate scrubbing.  Last thing is that I splash a little water over the shower wall and curtain at the end of my shower to remove any stray soap suds that had planned to dry there.  These habits are not much different than clicking my seat belt and checking my mirrors before I drive.  They are automatic and they save me a lot of trouble.

When I do clean the shower, I usually clean it the same way I clean the sink, using an old plastic container to rinse the walls if I don't have a removable shower head.

Anyway, time yourself.  You can definitely get this whole task done much faster than you thought if you have a plan and make it happen.  Fifteen minutes or less isn't all that intimidating.

The Healthy Smoothie

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Today's post covers the basics of making smoothies in your own home.  I grew up with a lot of homemade smoothies (licuados) and I absolutely love the way I feel when I'm regularly drinking fruits and berries.

Blenders

You will need a good blender.  This does not mean that you need an expensive blender, just one that can get through frozen fruit.  A cheap blender will work well in the hands of someone who knows how to make a blender work (more below).  If you live in an expensive area, please do not pay more than $40 for a nice one.  If you can get a good one for $30, you're in the right price range.  Check Craigslist before you shell out for a new one in case someone is selling one for $15-$20.  Once you find a decent blender in your price range, check a place like Amazon that has a high volume of customer reviews to avoid buying a lemon.  The main feature you want in a blender for making smoothies is an "ice crush" button.  You will probably be dealing with frozen fruit, so that's a good idea.  No one ever really uses more than two or three of their ten to twenty available speeds, so don't pay for them.

Once you have a decent blender, you should hang onto it for years to come.  There are two important ideas that extend the life of your blender and make your blending life easier in general.  The first is that you should not try to blend ice or icy things without enough liquid.  If your blender sounds like it's choking, it is.  Be nice.  The second thing is to not leave food or juice in your blender.  This actually works to your advantage anyway, since cleaning the blender is the worst part to any smoothie.  As soon as you pour out the smoothie, rinse your blender immediately.  This makes it easy to actually wash later on.  Try to avoid the temptation of letting it soak as you would a regular glass.  Blenders have little rubber, metal, and otherwise just moving parts that do not like to soak.  If you make this a habit (as they do at many alcohol and juice bars alike) you tend to get a moldy growth in the innards of your blender that is nothing short of disgusting.  Just rinse your blender and place it upside down.  Better yet, take it apart and rinse it while you still have the momentum of making things in the kitchen.

Ingredients

You may not realize it, but many of the places you currently buy smoothies from increase their profit margins by watering down their products with ice and then adding sugar.  They may not be as healthy as they are marketed to look.  I like to use only fruit, juice, and yogurt.  Yogurt tastes good and gives your smoothies a bit of a creamy flavor.  If you do not like yogurt, you do not have to add any.  Frozen fruits give that icy effect if you like it.  If you are very sensitive to sweet things, you may find that you need to water it down a bit with actual ice.  Remember, a little goes a long way.  Add a few cubes and see what happens.  Then, drink it before it melts because when that ice turns to water, it coincidentally tastes like the ice melted and there is water in your smoothie.  Not so good.

Fresh fruits obviously are your best option.  If you happen to have a fruit tree or berry bush handy, you should take advantage of that and maybe freeze some of it for when the fruit is out of season.  I like to also use frozen fruit from Costco.  It's a good price.  Before you purchase a bag, roll it through your hands.  If it feels like the fruit is stuck together, that probably means that it was not refrigerated well while being transported and has melted and refrozen at least once.  Just a thought.

The best fruit juice is just fruit in liquid form.  A lot of juices contain a surprising amount of [not fruit] very high on the ingredient list.  If it's orange juice, the "ingredient list" should read "oranges".  That's just my opinion.  A lot of bottled juices (especially those that are not refrigerated) are "cocktail juices".  This usually means that they contain comparatively little of the fruit juice marketed on the front of the bottle, like blueberry or pomegranate.  They are mostly grape juice because it's cheap.  They are often loaded with sugars, syrups, and/or preservatives as well.  Sometimes you get lucky and find a NSA (no sugar added), healthy bottled juice.  If you can find one on sale, stock up.  I found $4 juices on "manager special 18 hour sale" or something to that effect for $1 a piece at Albertson's one day.  Limit 2?  So I bought two, put them in my car, and returned for two more.  Four for the price of one is what I like to pay.

Pulpy juices taste the best in my opinion.  I love apple juice but it tastes tastes terrible in smoothies, especially ones with berries or tropical fruits.  I like orange juice, carrot juice, pineapple juice, and coconut juice the best.

Blending

Blending well starts with filling the blender in the right order.  It really pays to have something soft at the bottom, like bananas, yogurt, soft fruits, etc.  Frozen fruits should go on top.  The blender really needs some liquid to help it blend frozen things and it blends whatever is next to the blades first.  Once you have all of the soft stuff and frozen stuff in there, pour in juice to about the same level.  That should give it a good consistency.

Awesome Tip of the Day:  Everyone makes way more than they need the first time they make a smoothie.  To help you gauge the amount you should be putting into the blender, try a little trick we use at the bar to avoid waste.  Fill the glass you plan to drink out of with the fruits and frozen stuff.  Pour that into the blender.  Add liquid to the same level.

Put the top on the blender.  Use your "ice crush" setting first.  Once the icy ingredients seem manageable, use another blend setting for a good minute to make sure it blends evenly.  Listen for the sound of the blender either choking or running hard without actually blending.  The latter will be somewhat similar to punching the gas peddle in your car while it's in neutral.  If this happens, it is probably not because your blender is inadequate, as most people assume.  If air gets trapped in the mix, the blades run in a bubble while the mix is unaffected.  There are three things you can do about this.  The first is to hold the blender firmly to the motor and shake it a little.  If that doesn't work, try tilting the whole thing at a slight angle for a few seconds.  If that doesn't work, turn off the motor, shake the bubbles to the top, and then start again on a slower speed.  Once you get a good swirl going on a slower speed, transition directly into a higher speed so that it will blend thoroughly.  This should help you avoid the bubbles.  Every so often, you get a frozen strawberry or something legitimately stuck under the blades.  If this happens, turn the whole thing off and remove the blender from the motor/stand.  Use something with a long handle (not your hand) like a butter knife or something unimportant to pry it out of there.  Replace the blender and start again.

To your health!

Furry Pets and Hot Days

We're having a nice heat wave right now in S. California.  Great for me.  Not so great for Osa.  As you may know, German Shepherds have two coats of hair.  That extra undercoat they have is for insulation in cold weather.  On hot days she can really suffer, especially now that she is getting old.

I'm assuming that not everyone has a chance to take their dog to the beach half the day and let them play in the cold ocean.  Probably, most of you have jobs or other matters to attend.  Before you leave your canine pal outside in the heat, please consider that he/she will be there, wherever you leave him/her, until you get back.

Make sure you have a dog house or umbrella or something outside for them to have shade.  Fill up the water bowl before you leave with fresh water.  If you can, fill it half way with ice and the rest with water.  Then, make sure the water bowl is somewhere in the shade.  They really appreciate it.

Awesome Tip of the Day:  What else is all that fur good for?  Absorbing water.  On hot, dry days, I like to chase my dog around with the hose for a few minutes.  It's a fun game for her and good target practice for me.  All that water helps keep her cool until it's time to bring her back in the house.  With this heat, she is dry enough to come in by then.

Guilt Free Apple Oat Cobbler | Recipe

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Today's post is a gluten free fruit cobbler recipe.  These are great for breakfast, afternoon snack, or desert for health conscious guests.

Apple Oat Cobbler

30 minutes, serves 6.

1 cup of oats
2 large apples
Cinnamon
Honey
Coconut oil (optional)
Walnuts (optional)
Berries or raisins (optional)

Cover the bottom and sides of an eight or nine inch glass pie pan with a thin layer of oats.  You may oil the pan lightly first, but it is not necessary.  Peel and slice the apples and layer them inside the pan.  Feel free to add other fruits if you wish.  This is excellent with peaches.  Sprinkle cinnamon over the top of your apples.  Add chopped walnuts if you wish.  Sprinkle the rest of the oats evenly over everything.  Drizzle honey evenly over that last layer of oats.

Bake the cobbler in the toaster oven.  I suggest trying whatever pizza setting you normally use.  The cobbler is finished when the oats have absorbed the honey and moisture from the fruit enough to stick together like a crumble dough and then lightly brown.  Serve hot.

Awesome Tip of the Day:  Cobblers are traditionally served with vanilla ice cream.  This one tastes great with yogurt.  You can also serve it with hand-beaten whipped cream.  Just pour a half cup of heavy whipping cream into a container with a teaspoon of honey.  Beat it by twisting a whisk in between your palms until it is light and foamy (think starting a fire with two sticks).

The Blurry Line Between Yes and No, Negotiating Consent

The subject of what is and is not "right" to do with/to a person who has had some liquor came up this week in two conversations with two different friends about the same event.  It shows me exactly how unclear the line between yes and no can be.  Here's what happened:

One of mine friend had an extra drink in celebration at a night club.  We later encountered some other friends of mine.  The first friend accepted one of that group to dance with her and was having a good time.  They accompanied us out of the club when the night was over and we walked with them to the car of the person who was to pick them up.  The two friends that had been dancing together were walking together enjoying eachother's company and keeping from getting cold.  As the group was loading into the car, the guy that was dancing with my original friend took a moment to put his hands in places they didn't belong and attempted to steal a kiss before he left.  No luck, but still in my mind he had really crossed the line.  I can safely say this because I know what my first friend's boundaries are.  I can understand the attempt to kiss her.  It was the general forcefulness (pushing her up against a wall) and touching her in uninvited ways that I felt was inappropriate.

The next day, one of my friends from that group asked me about the situation and I responded that [the guy] seemed cool until the end there when he really crossed the line.  This confused the guy that I was talking to, who thought she seemed like she liked it.  I disagreed, but to be sure, I asked my friend about it and she didn't remember too much of that last part, but remembered thwarting the kiss and mentioned being disappointed by the overall grabbing at the end of the night.

This is a common scenario to varying degrees that I feel needs to be honestly explored.  I can't say that inadvertently or purposefully taking advantage of someone who is drunk is unique to men.  It is not.  What I can say is that I find many of the men that I know personally are unclear on what is and is not taking advantage of a woman, especially one who has been drinking.  In effort to shed light on the subject, I offer the following analysis:

It is a strange policy, in my opinion, to find a person's limits by pushing until that person actively resists.  It is even stranger to try to circumvent that resistance once it is received.  It is much easier and much less offensive and legally dangerous to find out through asking or by passive suggestion whether a person wants whatever it is you're offering.  One of the interesting side effects of alcohol in many people is apathy.  As in my friend's case, her attitude was much less, "Awesome, this guy is grabbing me," and much more, "Whatever, we're leaving now."  I can see how someone who is not attentive or doesn't know my friend very well might not notice her passive disapproval.  However, I cannot imagine perceiving her overall stumbling drunken apathy as her "liking it", especially after she still managed to evade the attempted smooching while in such a state.  Regardless, the majority of onlookers assumed that that was the case.

All that said, I cannot speak to the date rapists out there who really are selfish enough to intentionally hurt another person in order to get what they want.  I am not an expert on the subject, but I don't see how trying to reason with such a person would make any sense.  For the rest of you, please consider that the opposite of no should be an enthusiastic yes, not a drunken apathy.  It appears to be common practice to assume that a lack of firm disagreement is encouragement.  It also appears that many are under the impression that agreeing to one thing counts for automatic agreement to other things.  This seems to be the basis of the "that person was asking for it" mentality.  Really, they did not ask for it unless they really *asked* for it.  Furthermore, just because one has consented to something once, it does not mean that they have consented to other instances.

To illustrate my point, I would like all of my readers to imagine meeting a new person in the neighborhood.  Perhaps you've had a good conversation and they appear to be a nice person.  You may feel inclined to introduce that person to other neighbors and maybe even invite that person to a barbecue at your house.  All of this is invited.  So how would you feel if they suddenly entered your house or began eating your food all on their own?  Is it safe to say that you've "asked for it" simply because you've been friendly and invited this person to your house to share your food in the past?  Of course not!  It is your home and you decide when someone shares it and when they do not.  Even though all of your behavior has led that person to believe that they are welcome in your home, they are expected to know that they cannot just enter as they please.  So why is it different in reference to sex?  It isn't.

My point is, for those of you who are good at heart and do not mean anyone any harm, please remember that people's affections, especially those that are sexual in nature, must be constantly evaluated.  Trying to enter into sexual relations with another person is treading delicate ground.  Think of it like driving.  Simply assuming the light is green can have horrible consequences.  Even in the absence of a red light one can still move forward at the wrong time.  In social/sexual situations in which people are consuming alcohol or other drugs, it is much like a defect in the red light signal, like the power being out.  Tread carefully.  Make sure the agreement you get is actually agreement, not just passive acceptance or tolerance.

As it turns out, I am not the only one to feel this way about it.  For further explanation, check out The Opposite of Rape is Not Consent, the Opposite of Rape is Enthusiasm.  While you're at it, read Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced.  Both articles offer a good deal of perspective, which is good to have if you're having a hard time getting your mind around a situation.

Ah, Europeans...

About a month and a half ago, I was sitting in my car by the beach at sundown, watching the end of the sunset.  My husband sent me a text message, and while I was reading it I heard some people (two guys and a girl) approaching the car next to me, which was the only other car.  They were speaking what sounds like some Eastern European language that I'm not familiar with, so I didn't really bother to look up.  I just sat their texting back a reply.

By the time I finished my text, I looked out the window to see a surprising sight.  There was a white, naked butt right next to my driver side window.  Surprise!  The girl was dressed standing in the open passenger door of their car while the two guys were bent over, drying off and changing.  Normally, we from California change cleverly inside our towels, but our European tourists don't always bother with such hassles.  They were naked right there in the neighborhood.  (Lucky girl.)

So the guys who's butt was facing me was about half way into his dry pants, while the other, who was in the street behind their car, was still drying off with his towel.  I would have checked to see if there was someone in the next car over before bearing it all, but they didn't think that far ahead.  As a reward, I started my car, which was awesome!  The guy next to me jumped pretty high off one leg, and by the time he landed, his pants were all the way on.  The other guy tried to pull the same trick, but he wasn't dry enough yet.  He got stuck half way, with a towel stuffed part way down his pants, hopping on one leg.  It didn't seem like his bare feet were used to that.  Oh my!

Needless to say, it was a treat for both me and the other girl, who was laughing hysterically through the whole thing.  The two guys laughed after the initial shock wore off.  Even in the dim light, I could see how red their white faces were.  I backed out of my parking spot and said, "Looks nice!" with a big thumbs up, just to rub it in.  I could still hear the girl laughing as I drove off.

I suppose I could have knocked on my window and been nice about it.  I thought about that one.  If my window had been down, I might have given him a little slap.  I know, I'm a mean person.  I also could have just sat there in my car until they left, which they probably never would have noticed.  Nah.